Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Ladies don't puke and tell
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
