Ambien. No doubt about it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
