ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
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