i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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