Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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