I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
