I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
