She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
