You can't special order awesome
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
