remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
