You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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