I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
