I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
