took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
