The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
