shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
