you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
