I have demons in me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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