How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
