My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
