My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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