I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
