your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
