The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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