I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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