So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
