new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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