he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
