In the future we'll all be gay
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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