So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
