I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
