I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
