Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
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