Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
