so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
