I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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