I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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