I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
