Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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