Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
