both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
