he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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