This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
