Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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