Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
