I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
