I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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