I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
