i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
