Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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